Sticks and Fingers

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Any Argument here? 

Absolute bullshit here!
They are called fish sticks. Period. And those bastards at Hormel damn well know it, by God!
Appropriating the good name of sticks for their adulterated canned product, while simultaneously and erroneously disparaging a superior ocean harvested, fresh frozen delicacy is an outrage.

Fish sticks yes.
Spam fingers, what?

— Culiacán Pie

Dear Mr. Pie,

No argument from the boys in men’s apparel.

El Gorto

Minus-Size Model

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Ever eat a Pine Tree? Many parts are edible – Euell Gibbons

Dear El Gorto,

I can’t get my kids to eat. I fear they will all become minus-size models. What’s a mom to do?

Choosy Mother

Dear Choosy:

I’m no nutritionist but I learned a thing or two from the great Euell Gibbons, the Grape-Nuts Pusher. When in doubt, use Nutella. Spread it on everything. You’ll get those picky kids eating liver and onions before you know it. 

— El Gorto 

Yamned if You Don’t

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Dear El Gorto,
Quick question, are candied yams admissible in a court of law? Asking for a friend, of course.
— Big Dan

Dear Big Dan,

As my maternal Abuela (Grandma Maria) aged, her sharp mind began to slip. I used to take her shopping at the local Mercado and where the color orange would mesmerize her. I’d find her in aisles transfixed. gaping at anything orange — tangerines, lox, carrots, Cheetos,  Fanta Soda, and, especially, cans of candied yams.

Old age is not for sissies. Then she would tell me that the paradox of life is no one wants to grow old, or die young. 

Then I’d have to tug her away from the yams. Somehow she always gravitated to pickled herring as well, but that’s a different story. 

Anyway, what’s the question again? Oh yes. 

Are candied yams admissible in a court of law?

The short answer, Big Dan, is yes.

Yams (sic candied) were admissible in the landmark decision by the Supreme Court, Regents of the University of California v. Bakke, 438 U.S. 265 (1978).

Basically, the court held up affirmative action, in spite of Allan P. Bakke’s charges of reverse discrimination. Special prosecutor Archibald Cox known for his flamboyant courtroom demeanor, actually brought in a can of candied yams as evidence to make his point that mashed potatoes inherently received preferential treatment, whereas as yams (sweet potatoes?) were seldom served in the dorm cafeterias. 

The yams were admissible but had little bearing on the decision, and ultimately Bakke was admissible and admitted to Med school. I doubt I would ever select Bakke as my primary care doctor, always wondering if he only got in due to yam bias.

El Gorto

From a Self- Respecting Cattleman

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Dear El Gorto,
 
What kind of self-respecting cattleman goes around eating ham salad sandwiches?
 
— Pie In The Sky

Dear Pie,
 
Interestingly, I remember answering this very question years ago back in my merchant marine days. A young lieutenant with the 362nd Quartermaster Truck Company got in a squabble with some deckhands about eating ham salad. And this lieutenant basically inferred that no self-respecting cattleman goes around eating ham salad sandwiches. 

I gave him the same answer that I’m telling you now: Ham salad sandwiches on the open range go bad quickly, and that problem usually sorts itself out in a matter of days, if not hours. 
 
The young officer, Louis Dearborn L’Amour, took my advice to heart and ended up writing 89 published novels. 


El Gorto

From Starving Sheila

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Dear El Gorto,
 
I keep forgetting to turn on my burners when I cook. Does it mean anything and what should I do? 
 
— Starving Shelia 

Dear Shelia,
 
Shelia, I don’t know what is in your medicine cabinet, but if you’re mixing the wrong prescriptions and smoking dope, then I would not worry about it. Or, if you’re over fifty, don’t sweat it. Otherwise, I recommend quinine. I had the same issue in the Philippines. 

El Gorto