Yamned if You Don’t

Ask El Gorto
Dear El Gorto,
Quick question, are candied yams admissible in a court of law? Asking for a friend, of course.
— Big Dan

Dear Big Dan,

As my maternal Abuela (Grandma Maria) aged, her sharp mind began to slip. I used to take her shopping at the local Mercado and where the color orange would mesmerize her. I’d find her in aisles transfixed. gaping at anything orange — tangerines, lox, carrots, Cheetos,  Fanta Soda, and, especially, cans of candied yams.

Old age is not for sissies. Then she would tell me that the paradox of life is no one wants to grow old, or die young. 

Then I’d have to tug her away from the yams. Somehow she always gravitated to pickled herring as well, but that’s a different story. 

Anyway, what’s the question again? Oh yes. 

Are candied yams admissible in a court of law?

The short answer, Big Dan, is yes.

Yams (sic candied) were admissible in the landmark decision by the Supreme Court, Regents of the University of California v. Bakke, 438 U.S. 265 (1978).

Basically, the court held up affirmative action, in spite of Allan P. Bakke’s charges of reverse discrimination. Special prosecutor Archibald Cox known for his flamboyant courtroom demeanor, actually brought in a can of candied yams as evidence to make his point that mashed potatoes inherently received preferential treatment, whereas as yams (sweet potatoes?) were seldom served in the dorm cafeterias. 

The yams were admissible but had little bearing on the decision, and ultimately Bakke was admissible and admitted to Med school. I doubt I would ever select Bakke as my primary care doctor, always wondering if he only got in due to yam bias.

El Gorto

Highlights from the Dick Cavett Show

Interviews, Quotes

Dick Cavett: How would you describe yourself?
El Gorto: Hardboiled.
DC: Seriously?
EG:  Yeah, but here’s the deal, I’m not who I pretend to be.
DC: That’s deep. Is that Eastern Philosophy?
EG: Mid Western. Saw it on a bathroom stall east of Terre Haute.
DC: Okay, so what would you say is your best quality?
EG: Corpulence.
(big crowd applause)
DC: Favorite song?
EG: Danke Schoen, or for that matter, anything by Wayne Newton. He’s got the voice of an angel. But not the Brenda Lee version, she really messed that song up. 
DC: What about Tom Jones?
EG: What about him?
DC: He’s quite the performer.
EG: Between you and me, I can’t stomach him. The man’s a fop.
DC: Biggest regret?
EG: Hmm? I once told a dynamite broad I’d meet up with her later. She got all specific on me and asked me “when.” So like a dope,  I said, a nickel before two. The gal never showed up.  Wonder if I should have just said one fifty-five. Haunts me to this day.  You want to charm, avoid the jargon.