From a Self- Respecting Cattleman

Ask El Gorto
Dear El Gorto,
 
What kind of self-respecting cattleman goes around eating ham salad sandwiches?
 
— Pie In The Sky

Dear Pie,
 
Interestingly, I remember answering this very question years ago back in my merchant marine days. A young lieutenant with the 362nd Quartermaster Truck Company got in a squabble with some deckhands about eating ham salad. And this lieutenant basically inferred that no self-respecting cattleman goes around eating ham salad sandwiches. 

I gave him the same answer that I’m telling you now: Ham salad sandwiches on the open range go bad quickly, and that problem usually sorts itself out in a matter of days, if not hours. 
 
The young officer, Louis Dearborn L’Amour, took my advice to heart and ended up writing 89 published novels. 


El Gorto

From Starving Sheila

Ask El Gorto
Dear El Gorto,
 
I keep forgetting to turn on my burners when I cook. Does it mean anything and what should I do? 
 
— Starving Shelia 

Dear Shelia,
 
Shelia, I don’t know what is in your medicine cabinet, but if you’re mixing the wrong prescriptions and smoking dope, then I would not worry about it. Or, if you’re over fifty, don’t sweat it. Otherwise, I recommend quinine. I had the same issue in the Philippines. 

El Gorto

From Sorry Sucker

Ask El Gorto
Dear El Gorto,
 
The boys at the gym keep calling me “Sorry Sucker.” What’s a guy to do?
 
— Sorry Sucker
 
Dear Sucker,
 
My gut feeling is you should join another gym, but I bet the fellas there might call you something else, Maybe something worse?

First things first, send me their names and tell me where they live. Sounds like an attitude adjustment is needed.

Secondly, and I know this goes against the grain of my philosophy, but take it down a thousand. If you got to be a sucker, then why not be a sorry one? At least you know you got a problem. 

El Gorto